Chronicles 2008

Wrap up Year 2008 or the “Christmas Chronicles”

January

I had fully intended to keep a journal for this year down to meticulous details. In January my best friend was the thermostat, and during bad weather I have more time to tune into the real news (Hollywood, of course). And gentle readers, if you remember, January was a troubling time for Miss Hit Me Once Again-Britney Spears. What was with Britney speaking with a British accent, hooking up with a dark, mysterious paparazzi boyfriend and shopping for a Mercedes in a chopped off wedding dress? Who could have had bigger problems than this? Not me, I’m glad to say. So I turned up the thermostat, watched Britney’s escapades, and pondered Kateee Holmes new short haircut.

February

Dry but cold in beautiful north Texas. Even T. Boone Pickens can’t make it rain here, although he can harvest the wind for profit. Britney was going about the business of club hopping, running over photographers in her Mercedes, and just in general making a big fool of herself. Then her dad moved in just after he cut things off with his former girl friend and his love child, NO WAIT, that was LindSAY LoHan's dad? Does anyone know….is this the same person? No matter, in the world of celebrity. This was like an episode of House Rehab. I kept the faith for Britney though.

In real life, Bill Clinton came here to campaign for Hillary who had said she wasn’t going to run for president, but then did that anyway. I stood in a short line to get inside, listened to his speech which was quite inspiring, shook his hand and went back home to see what new things Britney was into and what the state of the country really was.

March

Oh glorious month, it signals an almost end to cold weather save that sometimes zippy breeze coming out of the north. I was in charge of a little Miss Hayley, a slightly spoiled blonde girl who was due to have her tonsils and adenoids removed. She also stayed with me for Spring Break during the recuperation period. The good news was that Hayley could breathe better; the bad news was that she was in a perpetually bad mood.

Me: “Hayley how about some delicious chicken stars soup for lunch?”

Hayley: “NO!!!!”

Me: “Come on, let’s look at it, doesn’t it look good?”

Hayley: “Eww, what are those?”

“Me: “Those are the little tiny stars, made out of rice, I guess.”

Hayley: “NoOOOO!”

Me: “How about some creamed potatoes?”

Hayley: “I want ice cream!!!”

Me: “But you have eaten ice cream for three days.”

Hayley: “I don’t care!!!”

Actually, I have learned a few things having Hayley around at meal times. One of my biggest discoveries has been the little mandarin oranges in the cups that are quite wonderful chilled in the frig. She got me hooked on those for awhile.

My neighbors left for Cancun, and I got to weed the flower beds and wash the windows. I just love spring cleaning (they probably weren’t having any fun in paradise, anyway.)

April

I enjoyed this month, butterflies, tulips, greener grass, and phone conferences with the teacher (Junior is a BAD boy!!!). In an effort to get even, I decide to confiscate the little sullen slacker’s video game controller.

It was soccer season. My year generally passed according to whatever sport is played at the time. Soccer games are fun, but they are generally early Saturday morning when the north wind is blowing like giant shop fan. Junior played goalie which, as I understand, is the next best thing to having a position where you can push everyone else around or just run them over.

Bad News: a water pipe sprang a leak in the sprinkler system.

Worse News: Pergosi, the sometimes landscaping plumber cut a hole in the gas line while fixing the sprinkler. It went something like this:

Pergosi: Escuse me Meez.

Me: Yes Pergosi?

Pergosi: Can jou come uh da here?

Me (frowning because that is never a good sign, gentle readers): “Sure.”

Pergosi: “Jou see de line running a here? Jou see de other line a running dhair? I uh cutta dis line cauz I couldn’t a really see eet. Eet was a duh gas line.”

Me: “Oh?”

Pergosi: “Jes, so uh, Ima gonna haf a go, but uh jou need to call uh da gasz company to turna off de gas. I weel hafa come back to fix a da line. Okay?”

Me: “Certainly.” Good to have lots of Advil on hand.

Note: One WEEK later Pergosi returns. He fixes the leak, but cuts off water to half of the sprinkler system and most of the grass died during the summer.

May

It looks like Hillary got in the way of a steamroller named Barrack Obama. The idea that school will soon be out appears in the corner of my brain. Our geography bee makes it to the final round where Junior sinks on a question involving former president Carter. He sinks his team too. Apparently the geography bee isn’t just geography. He did know; however, where those darned peanuts came from. Anyway, before you know it, May is wrapped up and it is goodbye forever to BF Elementary and off to junior high where kids develop technical skills to navigate the Internet world of My Space that they fill with lies and deceit, learn to speak in abbreviations, dress like the uncouth, and run their words altogether, all the while never cracking a book. Such an exciting developing time for all of us. Plus Hayley’s coming for the summer.

June

June is always a pretty good month because it isn’t as hot as July and August (although our grass was beginning to look a little sick). Hayley and Junior settle into a routine of screaming fights. This can be quite entertaining; it’s like an episode of Survival of the Fittest. I am beginning to regret not budgeting more money for summer camps, and resolve to search those out well ahead of deadlines for the following year. My daughter’s nasty divorce is finally over, so I have freed up a bit more of my time from having to stalk her former in-laws. I can use that time to mow the grass, provided it decides to grow. At the end of the month I notice a disturbing green monster in the fish pond, and I knew right then, the remainder of the summer would be spent fighting a war against algae, which might look good if it were growing on the lawn.

July

Hayley and Junior made it through part of the summer. This reaffirms my hope in humanity. Hayley takes a break at the end of the month to go to Houston for a week, so everyone plus the sullen slacker, head to Cancun for a little R&R. I am thinking that I love Cancun and could spend the rest of my life there, but then tropical storm Dolly moves in before it turns into a hurricane to ravish South Padre Island. We had a couple of good days, but pretty much the rest of the time there, I spent in the hotel room watching the palm trees bend over backwards. We also spent hours walking around a giant three-story mall. We rode the bus downtown and it NEVER stopped raining. Those buses were almost floating. When you got out of the bus, there was no choice but to get your feet wet. The food is awful in Cancun (not to mention overpriced), but the beaches are lovely. Everywhere you go there now is pretty much a tourist trap which is a shame because several years ago it wasn’t so bad. Junior, king of the mall, absolutely loved it. He had a picture taken with a monkey on his head., then later with two parrots fighting on his head. Maybe I’ll send him back to Cancun ALONE someday.

August

Time to buy school supplies…..hope springs eternal. Junior and Hayley spend their last few days with Andrea at the water park. I stay at home and try to water my dead grass with the water hose. Hayley wanted to shop for school clothes, while Junior preferred making fresh squeezed orange juice. I am irritated with Junior for not practicing his guitar, so I pulled him out of lessons and took his place. I always wanted to be Sheryl Crow, or actually Madonna, but without all the bondage stuff. I decided to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven.”

September

School and football. Who could ask for anything more? Life is relatively good for Junior as “World at War!!” comes out for Playstation 3. I am thinking I may be at war with one of my neighbors who continually parks on the street next to my side of the curb. This, gentle readers, hinders my trash pickup and also deprives me of the joy of running my grass edger in that spot (provided I actually had grass, of course).

September was a critical time. Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse, Sarah Palin steps up to run the country. I thought it might be an early Halloween prank, but no, as it turns out she is quite real and quite serious. “Gidget Git Your Gun! The Darn Moose are in the Lettuce AGAIN!!!!” This scared me right out of my apathy. In other news, it really hasn’t been too bad this year as the other neighbors across the street haven’t made any lewd gestures towards us for months (the one involving not waving with all fingers). P.S. I can’t play Stairway to Heaven, but I can play part of “Amazing Grace” (sorry Madonna).

October

What is it about pre-teen boys that they can’t understand the following sentence?

“You can scare all the kids except the really little ones like the babies and toddlers.”

So they put on their black hoods, got their hatchets and plastic chain saws and jumped out of the bushes. I could hear babies screaming for miles. The school costume thing went much better though, Junior was a banana.

I tried playing Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl on the guitar. It sounds nothing like Van Morrison.

“Twilight” came out in theaters. What is this? Have you all been under a rock lately? Well let me tell you, it is the first installment of a horror/love series. It is sort of a combination of Harry Potter meets Anne Rice. Kids, adults, teens, everybody is insane for this story. You have an ordinary teenage girl who falls in love with a teenage vampire (oh he’s been 17 for 100 years or so). But this vampire, Edward, and his family are cool, they are “vegetarians” meaning they only drink animal blood. To top off Edward’s immortality, super strength, etc., he also has a killer sports car, designer shades, a mansion, and just everything that a vampire or teenager would think important. Not only that, but lots of things have changed with vampires from the old days. The new vampires can be out in the sun, they don’t wither, in fact, they sparkle. The fifth book in the series that the movies are based on promises even more liberty with vampirism. In fact, word has it that the last installment will be based upon a “Midsummer’ Night’s Dream.” Sort of Titania with fangs. That might work in today’s world; all in all, I think a very interesting story line.

Much more disturbing is real life (isn’t that usually the case?) where people BELIEVE they are vampires. Plus there are many different types of “real” vampires these days. They just aren’t after a nice bloody Mary, no some of them are “psychic vampires” and these are perhaps the most dangerous of all. I believe I have met people, especially teenagers, who have been zapped by these psychic vampires. Let me tell you, those creatures don’t leave much of their victim’s brain power behind. Hence all the empty stares out there.

November

Boy I’m glad that the election is over. I was a CNN/MSNBC/FOX news addict for months. That was exhausting. I completely lost track of Britney (almost), she is due a comeback this month. I knew that would happen. Brit was down, but she was never out, take that Christina Aguilera! My latest celebrity watch focus in on little Suri Cruise. I, like millions of other Americans, watch with baited breath to see which coats little Suri will choose for her chilly New York park outings. My cat kids, a.k.a., “the girls” are doing well. I flirted with the idea of putting little Santa hats on them and taking a picture. A big problem when working with cats, gentle readers, is that they don’t always LIKE each other. This can be a very important point. It is so hard to get little hats on them when they do that thing where they paste their ears flat on their little heads.

I read a disturbing news article whereby soap operas are declining in popularity and they may leave the air. Why oh why? I have one little bit of recreation and that is watching Days of Our Lives at lunch which I have done for years. Now they want to take it away. What are we going to replace it with reality TV? – people trying to lose weight, rehabilitate, get off a lost island, or be a model? Don’t we have enough of that garbage?

The English teacher assigned a poetry writing gig, and the “boys” (see the preteens above) have to do this. I feel it is my civic duty to steer them in the right direction since I am among the literary inclined. This, gentle readers, is a difficult task. Try asking a boy if they know who John Keats was and they start their answer with, “Was he that dude who…..” Stop right there. John Keats, a dude? The man who gave voice to the nightingale? Oh I don’t think so.

I gave all this up, and decided I need to paint an accent wall. An accent wall means that you take one side of a room, generally a wall, and paint it a different color. Preferably a color that will contrast or blend with current said room.

December

It’s holiday season once again. This time, let’s just say NO to Randy Travis singing Christmas tunes and yes to Dean Martin. Trust me on this. In the spotlight, the bad news just keeps coming. Gloom and Doom. It seems the entire country is going bankrupt. I have decided if I end up homeless that I am going to Beverly Hills and live in a park. Why, one might ask? First of all it should be warm there (or maybe warmer); secondly as I understand, sometimes celebrities will give nice handouts, or odd jobs. So I might get a job making Paris Hilton’s breakfast, “here’s your tofu pancakes Paris dear.” Or maybe be gainfully employed bathing Britney’s dogs, or hanging Christina Aguilera’s clothes up. The possibilities are endless here. The bad news this month is that Oprah has gained her weight back. I might be able to help her with that by becoming her personal shopper. “What, nothing but raw carrots in the house?” “Yes Oprah, you’ll thank me later” (if she doesn’t find the triple chocolate fudge under my sleeping bag in the park).

Life is good, both Hayley and Edith the rat are coming to our house for Xmas. Edith lives in the science lab, and she is assigned to the sixth graders to care for. It is cold again; in fact, it is supposed to be 12 degrees this weekend. Unbelievable. The number 12 in Texas should be a shoe six and NOT a temperature. I’m longing for those dog days of summer. Meanwhile Caroline Kennedy is interested in becoming the Senator of New York, and so is Fran the Nanny. Everyone is squawking that Caroline is “unqualified” – well good grief! We were about to let a deer hunting, lipstick wearing, snowboarding, clueless dynamo lead our entire country, and we can’t elect Caroline to cut some ribbons and attend luncheons? Or for that matter we elected Ronald Reagan for president, but we can’t let the Nanny have a crack at carrying a briefcase around?

Hayley and Tristan came for Christmas. We had planned to make a gingerbread house from a kit. The problem was, gentle readers, the darn thing wouldn’t stick together like the instructions SAID it would. I knew I should have put some super glue in that icing. “Don’t eat too much of that, kids.” So we had to settle for “gingerbread walls” instead of the house. This wasn’t bad, it turned out quite well, they got to decorate with gum drops and such. Tristan sang his Xmas song “The weather outside is frightful, but inside is so DELIGHTFUL.” He also told me that Andrea’s friend’s schnauzer was “creepy.”

Meanwhile I have nixed the accent wall idea. What’s wrong with white anyway? My latest guitar conquest is “Silent Night.” Where is that Stairway to Heaven?

Well, this about wraps up the highlights of 2008. Who said I had a dull life, this is pretty fascinating stuff! Remember, you can put lipstick on a bad economy…..and it’s still a BAD economy. Take care everyone and have a wonderful new year!