Wrap up Year
2008 or the “Christmas Chronicles”
January
I had fully intended to
keep a journal for this year down to meticulous details. In January
my best friend was the thermostat, and during bad weather I have more
time to tune into the real news (Hollywood, of course). And gentle
readers, if you remember, January was a troubling time for Miss Hit
Me Once Again-Britney Spears. What was with Britney speaking with a
British accent, hooking up with a dark, mysterious paparazzi
boyfriend and shopping for a Mercedes in a chopped off wedding dress?
Who could have had bigger problems than this? Not me, I’m glad to
say. So I turned up the thermostat, watched Britney’s escapades,
and pondered Kateee Holmes new short haircut.
February
Dry but cold in beautiful
north Texas. Even T. Boone Pickens can’t make it rain here,
although he can harvest the wind for profit. Britney was going about
the business of club hopping, running over photographers in her
Mercedes, and just in general making a big fool of herself. Then her
dad moved in just after he cut things off with his former girl friend
and his love child, NO WAIT, that was LindSAY LoHan's dad? Does
anyone know….is this the same person? No matter, in the world of
celebrity. This was like an episode of House Rehab. I kept the
faith for Britney though.
In real life, Bill Clinton
came here to campaign for Hillary who had said she wasn’t going to
run for president, but then did that anyway. I stood in a short line
to get inside, listened to his speech which was quite inspiring,
shook his hand and went back home to see what new things Britney was
into and what the state of the country really was.
March
Oh glorious month, it
signals an almost end to cold weather save that sometimes zippy
breeze coming out of the north. I was in charge of a little Miss
Hayley, a slightly spoiled blonde girl who was due to have her
tonsils and adenoids removed. She also stayed with me for Spring
Break during the recuperation period. The good news was that Hayley
could breathe better; the bad news was that she was in a perpetually
bad mood.
Me: “Hayley how
about some delicious chicken stars soup for lunch?”
Hayley: “NO!!!!”
Me: “Come on, let’s
look at it, doesn’t it look good?”
Hayley: “Eww, what are
those?”
“Me: “Those are the
little tiny stars, made out of rice, I guess.”
Hayley: “NoOOOO!”
Me: “How about some
creamed potatoes?”
Hayley: “I want ice
cream!!!”
Me: “But you have eaten
ice cream for three days.”
Hayley: “I don’t
care!!!”
Actually, I have learned a
few things having Hayley around at meal times. One of my biggest
discoveries has been the little mandarin oranges in the cups that are
quite wonderful chilled in the frig. She got me hooked on those for
awhile.
My neighbors left for
Cancun, and I got to weed the flower beds and wash the windows. I
just love spring cleaning (they probably weren’t having any fun in
paradise, anyway.)
April
I enjoyed this month,
butterflies, tulips, greener grass, and phone conferences with the
teacher (Junior is a BAD boy!!!). In an effort to get even, I decide
to confiscate the little sullen slacker’s video game controller.
It was soccer season. My
year generally passed according to whatever sport is played at the
time. Soccer games are fun, but they are generally early Saturday
morning when the north wind is blowing like giant shop fan. Junior
played goalie which, as I understand, is the next best thing to
having a position where you can push everyone else around or just run
them over.
Bad News: a water pipe
sprang a leak in the sprinkler system.
Worse News: Pergosi, the
sometimes landscaping plumber cut a hole in the gas line while fixing
the sprinkler. It went something like this:
Pergosi: Escuse me Meez.
Me: Yes Pergosi?
Pergosi: Can jou come uh
da here?
Me (frowning because that
is never a good sign, gentle readers): “Sure.”
Pergosi: “Jou see de
line running a here? Jou see de other line a running dhair? I uh
cutta dis line cauz I couldn’t a really see eet. Eet was a duh gas
line.”
Me: “Oh?”
Pergosi: “Jes, so uh,
Ima gonna haf a go, but uh jou need to call uh da gasz company to
turna off de gas. I weel hafa come back to fix a da line. Okay?”
Me: “Certainly.”
Good to have lots of Advil on hand.
Note: One WEEK later
Pergosi returns. He fixes the leak, but cuts off water to half of
the sprinkler system and most of the grass died during the summer.
May
It looks like Hillary got
in the way of a steamroller named Barrack Obama. The idea that
school will soon be out appears in the corner of my brain. Our
geography bee makes it to the final round where Junior sinks on a
question involving former president Carter. He sinks his team too.
Apparently the geography bee isn’t just geography. He did know;
however, where those darned peanuts came from. Anyway, before you
know it, May is wrapped up and it is goodbye forever to BF Elementary
and off to junior high where kids develop technical skills to
navigate the Internet world of My Space that they fill with lies and
deceit, learn to speak in abbreviations, dress like the uncouth, and
run their words altogether, all the while never cracking a book.
Such an exciting developing time for all of us. Plus Hayley’s
coming for the summer.
June
June is always a pretty
good month because it isn’t as hot as July and August (although our
grass was beginning to look a little sick). Hayley and Junior settle
into a routine of screaming fights. This can be quite entertaining;
it’s like an episode of Survival of the Fittest. I am beginning to
regret not budgeting more money for summer camps, and resolve to
search those out well ahead of deadlines for the following year. My
daughter’s nasty divorce is finally over, so I have freed up a bit
more of my time from having to stalk her former in-laws. I can use
that time to mow the grass, provided it decides to grow. At the end
of the month I notice a disturbing green monster in the fish pond,
and I knew right then, the remainder of the summer would be spent
fighting a war against algae, which might look good if it were
growing on the lawn.
July
Hayley and Junior made it
through part of the summer. This reaffirms my hope in humanity.
Hayley takes a break at the end of the month to go to Houston for a
week, so everyone plus the sullen slacker, head to Cancun for a
little R&R. I am thinking that I love Cancun and could spend the
rest of my life there, but then tropical storm Dolly moves in before
it turns into a hurricane to ravish South Padre Island. We had a
couple of good days, but pretty much the rest of the time there, I
spent in the hotel room watching the palm trees bend over backwards.
We also spent hours walking around a giant three-story mall. We
rode the bus downtown and it NEVER stopped raining. Those buses were
almost floating. When you got out of the bus, there was no choice
but to get your feet wet. The food is awful in Cancun (not to
mention overpriced), but the beaches are lovely. Everywhere you go
there now is pretty much a tourist trap which is a shame because
several years ago it wasn’t so bad. Junior, king of the mall,
absolutely loved it. He had a picture taken with a monkey on his
head., then later with two parrots fighting on his head. Maybe I’ll
send him back to Cancun ALONE someday.
August
Time to buy school
supplies…..hope springs eternal. Junior and Hayley spend their
last few days with Andrea at the water park. I stay at home and try
to water my dead grass with the water hose. Hayley wanted to shop
for school clothes, while Junior preferred making fresh squeezed
orange juice. I am irritated with Junior for not practicing his
guitar, so I pulled him out of lessons and took his place. I always
wanted to be Sheryl Crow, or actually Madonna, but without all the
bondage stuff. I decided to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven.”
September
School and football. Who
could ask for anything more? Life is relatively good for Junior as
“World at War!!” comes out for Playstation 3. I am thinking I
may be at war with one of my neighbors who continually parks on the
street next to my side of the curb. This, gentle readers, hinders my
trash pickup and also deprives me of the joy of running my grass
edger in that spot (provided I actually had grass, of course).
September was a critical
time. Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse, Sarah
Palin steps up to run the country. I thought it might be an early
Halloween prank, but no, as it turns out she is quite real and quite
serious. “Gidget Git Your Gun! The Darn Moose are in the Lettuce
AGAIN!!!!” This scared me right out of my apathy. In other news,
it really hasn’t been too bad this year as the other neighbors
across the street haven’t made any lewd gestures towards us for
months (the one involving not waving with all fingers). P.S. I
can’t play Stairway to Heaven, but I can play part of “Amazing
Grace” (sorry Madonna).
October
What is it about pre-teen
boys that they can’t understand the following sentence?
“You can scare all the
kids except the really little ones like the babies and toddlers.”
So they put on their black
hoods, got their hatchets and plastic chain saws and jumped out of
the bushes. I could hear babies screaming for miles. The school
costume thing went much better though, Junior was a banana.
I tried playing Van
Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl on the guitar. It sounds nothing like
Van Morrison.
“Twilight” came out in
theaters. What is this? Have you all been under a rock lately?
Well let me tell you, it is the first installment of a horror/love
series. It is sort of a combination of Harry Potter meets Anne Rice.
Kids, adults, teens, everybody is insane for this story. You have
an ordinary teenage girl who falls in love with a teenage vampire (oh
he’s been 17 for 100 years or so). But this vampire, Edward, and
his family are cool, they are “vegetarians” meaning they only
drink animal blood. To top off Edward’s immortality, super
strength, etc., he also has a killer sports car, designer shades, a
mansion, and just everything that a vampire or teenager would think
important. Not only that, but lots of things have changed with
vampires from the old days. The new vampires can be out in the sun,
they don’t wither, in fact, they sparkle. The fifth book in the
series that the movies are based on promises even more liberty with
vampirism. In fact, word has it that the last installment will be
based upon a “Midsummer’ Night’s Dream.” Sort of Titania
with fangs. That might work in today’s world; all in all, I think
a very interesting story line.
Much more disturbing is
real life (isn’t that usually the case?) where people BELIEVE they
are vampires. Plus there are many different types of “real”
vampires these days. They just aren’t after a nice bloody Mary, no
some of them are “psychic vampires” and these are perhaps the
most dangerous of all. I believe I have met people, especially
teenagers, who have been zapped by these psychic vampires. Let me
tell you, those creatures don’t leave much of their victim’s
brain power behind. Hence all the empty stares out there.
November
Boy I’m glad that the
election is over. I was a CNN/MSNBC/FOX news addict for months.
That was exhausting. I completely lost track of Britney (almost),
she is due a comeback this month. I knew that would happen. Brit
was down, but she was never out, take that Christina Aguilera! My
latest celebrity watch focus in on little Suri Cruise. I, like
millions of other Americans, watch with baited breath to see which
coats little Suri will choose for her chilly New York park outings.
My cat kids, a.k.a., “the girls” are doing well. I flirted with
the idea of putting little Santa hats on them and taking a picture.
A big problem when working with cats, gentle readers, is that they
don’t always LIKE each other. This can be a very important point.
It is so hard to get little hats on them when they do that thing
where they paste their ears flat on their little heads.
I read a disturbing news
article whereby soap operas are declining in popularity and they may
leave the air. Why oh why? I have one little bit of recreation and
that is watching Days of Our Lives at lunch which I have done for
years. Now they want to take it away. What are we going to replace
it with reality TV? – people trying to lose weight, rehabilitate,
get off a lost island, or be a model? Don’t we have enough of that
garbage?
The English teacher
assigned a poetry writing gig, and the “boys” (see the preteens
above) have to do this. I feel it is my civic duty to steer them in
the right direction since I am among the literary inclined. This,
gentle readers, is a difficult task. Try asking a boy if they know
who John Keats was and they start their answer with, “Was he that
dude who…..” Stop right there. John Keats, a dude? The man who
gave voice to the nightingale? Oh I don’t think so.
I gave all this up, and
decided I need to paint an accent wall. An accent wall means that
you take one side of a room, generally a wall, and paint it a
different color. Preferably a color that will contrast or blend with
current said room.
December
It’s holiday season once
again. This time, let’s just say NO to Randy Travis singing
Christmas tunes and yes to Dean Martin. Trust me on this. In the
spotlight, the bad news just keeps coming. Gloom and Doom. It
seems the entire country is going bankrupt. I have decided if I end
up homeless that I am going to Beverly Hills and live in a park.
Why, one might ask? First of all it should be warm there (or maybe
warmer); secondly as I understand, sometimes celebrities will give
nice handouts, or odd jobs. So I might get a job making Paris
Hilton’s breakfast, “here’s your tofu pancakes Paris dear.”
Or maybe be gainfully employed bathing Britney’s dogs, or hanging
Christina Aguilera’s clothes up. The possibilities are endless
here. The bad news this month is that Oprah has gained her weight
back. I might be able to help her with that by becoming her personal
shopper. “What, nothing but raw carrots in the house?” “Yes
Oprah, you’ll thank me later” (if she doesn’t find the triple
chocolate fudge under my sleeping bag in the park).
Life is good, both Hayley
and Edith the rat are coming to our house for Xmas. Edith lives in
the science lab, and she is assigned to the sixth graders to care
for. It is cold again; in fact, it is supposed to be 12 degrees
this weekend. Unbelievable. The number 12 in Texas should be a shoe
six and NOT a temperature. I’m longing for those dog days of
summer. Meanwhile Caroline Kennedy is interested in becoming the
Senator of New York, and so is Fran the Nanny. Everyone is squawking
that Caroline is “unqualified” – well good grief! We were about
to let a deer hunting, lipstick wearing, snowboarding, clueless
dynamo lead our entire country, and we can’t elect Caroline to cut
some ribbons and attend luncheons? Or for that matter we elected
Ronald Reagan for president, but we can’t let the Nanny have a
crack at carrying a briefcase around?
Hayley and Tristan came
for Christmas. We had planned to make a gingerbread house from a
kit. The problem was, gentle readers, the darn thing wouldn’t
stick together like the instructions SAID it would. I knew I should
have put some super glue in that icing. “Don’t eat too much of
that, kids.” So we had to settle for “gingerbread walls”
instead of the house. This wasn’t bad, it turned out quite well,
they got to decorate with gum drops and such. Tristan sang his Xmas
song “The weather outside is frightful, but inside is so
DELIGHTFUL.” He also told me that Andrea’s friend’s schnauzer
was “creepy.”
Meanwhile I have nixed the
accent wall idea. What’s wrong with white anyway? My latest
guitar conquest is “Silent Night.” Where is that
Stairway to Heaven?
Well, this about wraps up
the highlights of 2008. Who said I had a dull life, this is pretty
fascinating stuff! Remember, you can put lipstick on a bad
economy…..and it’s still a BAD economy. Take care everyone and
have a wonderful new year!
